And I will be done *fingers crossed*. Nope. I’m not talking about a baby. I’m talking about SCHOOL.

But how will I make it? I’m already exhausted. I just have to remember… 36 done, 9 to go. But the hardest 9.

then why i am i still lonely?

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left to update… I wish my life had some more forward motion.

I’m convinced they don’t really love me. They just love the IDEA of me. Who doesn’t want to be with the independent, smart, sarcastic, hilarious, gorgeous musician type? The ex loves me because he knows he missed his chance to be with someone WAY out of his league. LOL loves me because we are best friends and we have this massive history and it’s basically an emotional attachment. New Guy has basically admitted that he was first attracted to my looks. But do any of them really love me? It seems like sometimes they forget love is more what you do than what you say. LOL has been partying and making poor choices in life that piss me off. And New Guy seems to think that talking to me 40 minutes a day is like the hardship of the century. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, especially when my life is so stressful right now. And everyone else likes talking to me. Why does the guy I like not want to talk to me?

unbelievable.

Dear God,

please let something good happen to me today…

I was sitting in Panera last night with two friends. They are serious characters. Age 22-23 and they are already completely quirky and crazy. I mean, I was convinced that they were just trying to get on my nerves but that was probably my period speaking. I really want to put my one friend on What Not To Wear. She’s a 23-year-old college graduate wearing a black skort with a navy tshirt and a blue and yellow track jacket. She completes the dreadful ensemble with flip-flops and a tweed purse. I’m no fashion queen either (i’m just being modest) but she needs help. But back to my original thought. Almost all my friends are this crazy! With one exception. I have one friend who is boring. I tell her so regularly. We enjoy it. And she’s just getting married, so she’s bound to get even MORE boring. It’s true. Take that married faces!! They are characters that would rival the “Little Miss Sunshine” people. I should probably write a book or a movie about them and make a ton of money and retire with New Guy. He’s already retired. From the army. I kid you not. Isn’t that precious? I have no idea why I try to maintain any semblance of anonymity. Any of the people I talk about would recognize themselves immediately if the hot legs in my avatar didn’t give it away sooner.

I’m clearly not that busy tonight. I can’t sleep. And I spent all my laundry money on snacks. Whee!!

So I made ez mac since everyone else was going to a friend’s house  for dinner. I wasn’t exactly feeling social. It turned out nasty. I’m like starving to death and have a bunch of weird gross stuff in my stomach.

Is that seriously a crime?

I can’t even be considered for the only government-subsidized housing that I can afford on my own due to these criteria. What do they want me to drop out of school and marry some alcoholic loser? Because I’m sure that is who can get the housing instead of me. I’m trying my hardest to pay my own way through school. I’m going to be a teacher for crying out loud. But no, I can’t get a break. I’m either going to have to suffer, and I do mean suffer, through another year in the dorms or try and find a roommate. But I don’t want a roommate. I didn’t want to live with anyone except for my neighbor. And that’s just not going to be possible.

Nothing is going right.

So LOL and I have always referred to each other as “kindred spirits”. He recently claimed that my mother coined this term. I don’t exactly remember this conversation, but it seems highly likely. My mother is definitely the type to reference Anne of Green Gables. Little did she know what LOL and I would turn into… I just don’t know. I’m trying so hard to shake my somehow deeply rooted “beliefs” in things like soulmates. It’s not actually what I believe but somewhere along the line, I picked this crap up. LOL is absolutely convinced that I am his “perfect match”. I just don’t know. I think he’s just my kindred spirit, but not necessarily my soulmate. I mean, even in the famous story- Anne and Dianna certainly weren’t soulmates!!! They were both girls. Thank you, Captain Obvious. But you know what I mean.

So I casually mentioned to LOL that I will probably be bringing New Guy home this summer. He was calmer than I expected. He just immediately threatened that if he ever saw him he would “have no mercy and beat the crap out of him”.  I would really hate to see a fight between those two. I think they actually would kill each other. Literally. LOL has an incredible, absolutely incredible amount of anger and passion. But I think New Guy is way stronger and definitely bigger and definitely has more experience having been in the army and whatnot. It would be… awful. So I don’t know how I’m supposed to schedule this weekend to avoid such a catastrophe.

So I want to marry the New Guy. I really think I do. But there’s that part of me that’s afraid deep down that LOL, my first love, my kindred spirit is the one and I’m giving up too soon. How could that possibly be true? It better not be. But how I am supposed to figure this out. No one would really understand this problem but a kindred spirit. Or at least someone who has a kindred spirit…